I want to have my life for the unexpected

I find it’s hard to answer these questions,

「お国はどちらですか?」
「出身はどこですか?」

Which one should I choose? The place I was born, the place I had lived for most years of my life, the place of my current residence on the record, the place my parents are from and the place my parents currently living – are all different. Therefore I don’t know which one to choose.

I don’t know where I am from.

Neither do I know where I am going.

Sometimes people would ask me where I plan to stay after graduating from college. “Going back to China?” They would ask.

“No,” I’d reply, “I’m definitely not going back to China.”

I have lived in China for more than ten years – more than half of my entire life, and want no more of.

Then I left for the States.

Programming is logical, abstract, cool. I chose it because I love languages, and thought since I can learn natural languages, then it won’t be too hard for me to learn artificial ones. I am ready to study seriously again – programming, technology, and everything related. At the age of 18, coming to my senses as a human being at last, I am not done with learning. I know I am no longer ashamed of my ignorance, nor afraid of liking things.

Perhaps I should be impressed by the fact that I haven’t attached myself to things, that I am loose and free enough to walk away from anything at anytime. But what am I free for? I want to have my life for the unexpected.

Anyhow, I still take it for granted that not settling down is a necessary rebellion.

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Paul Newman

It was very sad to hear that the legendary Paul Newman passed away, he was one of the rare gaints of the big screen and a truly philannthropist.

Rest in peace, Paul!

德州巴黎 He looked at her, but he didn’t see her

天下没有不散之筵席,换个角度就是说,人终究是孤独的,不管他本人是否意识到这一点。

<Paris, Texas>,看这部电影要先有点耐心,因为片长,2小时18分46秒,一直看到第40分钟时,我才逐渐被它吸引,故事的主线也逐渐明朗。

Nobody walks!

Travis的儿子Hunter如是说。

但有些人就是喜欢一直在路上。

我想我们一直在寻找的其实并非什么目的地,而是我们开始的地方,寻找某种认同自己存在的理由。

我应该在美国。所以现在我在去美国的路上。

Travis年轻的妻子Jane出现在超8胶片的影像中时,让人惊艳。

四年后她依旧惊艳。

四年后,也许Jane与儿子Hunter相见时,往事会涌上心头。但Travis知道有些事情发生了就难以补救,他明白,在Jane那里,他已经死了,四年前就死了。没什么再能把他们联系起来,即使是Hunter。

电影告诉我,在没有找到存在的理由之前,每个人都是死的,行尸走肉;但那么一点的理由一直以来却又是供不应求的。于是,大部分人都是死的。

有人曾经非常努力地去解决自己的孤独感。

从明天起,做一个幸福的人

喂马,劈柴,周游世界… …

那个人非常努力地去解决自己的孤独感。

最后,那个”面朝大海,春暖花开”的人卧轨了。

因为孤独的感觉不能转移,不能死去,只会慢慢膨胀。

其实我们很小的时候是感觉不到孤独的,我们总是很容易转移注意力。我们慢慢长大的时候就没剩多少注意力了。

由于找不到存在的理由,所以我感到孤独,也因此奋斗在去美国的路上,并说服自己:That’s the way I am.