Please let me be free

Here I go again:

I broke up with my boyfriend, because I want to live my life the way I wanted, free of anything – after almost two years we’ve been together.

Seems like the year of 2008 all over again. I should at least try not to repeat myself next time…

I know from this day on, my life could only be better. I’ll graduate with a master’s degree in a year, find a job in android development and perform great. I’m an android developer intern right now, and had great fun working with other developers and designers. Everyone says I’m smart, hard working and can learn things fast. I’m sure I’ll get even better in the years to come.

But I’m afraid my ex-boyfriend’s life is going to get worse. Compare to his ex-girlfriend (the one before me), I went to Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute instead of Harvard, I don’t have an MBA from Stanford, I’m not – and never have been – the founder and executive director of a company, I’m not white, I don’t have blonde hair (being white and blonde matters to him), I speak English with my Chinese accent… From this declining tendency, his next girl will probably be worse than me.

I wish him luck.

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真夏の夜

他不知道自己为什么要邀请这个女人。

他:“您什么时候离开北京?”

“明天下午。”她力图用轻松的口气回答。

他建议去一家甜品店,那里有他喜欢的芒果黑糯米加冻椰汁,他说她会喜欢。

17:49

她来到门口,等待侍者过来招呼他们就坐。不过他拉着她直接走进甜品店,在一张空桌子前坐下。看着她有些惊讶的表情,他解释在这里是不必等待侍者,自己找座位的。

18:11

她:“最喜欢的歌?我现在喜欢Radiohead”

他(不大肯定):“有好多呢,让我想想…”

18:24

她:“您去过美国吗?”

他:“从来没有…您知道,我从出生就在西安,从没出过国,最远只到过香港度假。”

她:“您该去一次纽约。”

他:“也许很快就…”

18:35

他喜欢她的与众不同,好像来自另外一个世界。她讲话有时候会用错俗语,她笑起来眯着眼睛。

19:20

离开甜品店,她看着他把拎着的口袋从左手换到右手,又换回左手,就伸手去帮他拿。

“不用,这个不沉。”他彬彬有礼地说。

但他流露出来的表情恰是相反的意思。

“我要是觉得沉再还给您。”她拿过3个口袋中的一个。

另外,我觉得您真是光彩照人。

她讲起正在施工的Waldorf Astoria大酒店,他很感兴趣,请她带他去。他们跟着Google地图寻找路线。

此刻是19:40

太阳终于西沉。

当身边车辆飞驰而过时,她把一只手搭在了他的小臂上,挽着他一起过马路。后来即便走在人行道上,她也没有移开自己的手。

如果我刚才告诉她我有女朋友,她还会来拉我的手吗?他尽量不去想。

他感觉自己被形势左右了。

他抽走手去为她开门,然后又主动拉起她的手。

尽管他们都没有开口,可这像是一场无声的对话。

19:50

他建议他们去后海。“这里没有underage drinking”他说。

19:52

他们在乘地铁。

她:“我只认识您十几天,了解您几十分钟。”

他去亲她的脸,然后她的嘴唇。她小心翼翼地躲开。

其他乘客向他们投来责备的目光。

目前,一切都好。

可时间不会滞留太久。

20:17

幸好今天人不多,他们可以有一个不被别人打扰的座位。在他们右边是一览无余的后海夜景。

他们起初面对面坐下。

然后,他提议她坐到他这边来。

20:30

在烛光下,她注意到他脸颊两侧的酒窝,以及一双大眼睛。她不喜欢大眼睛。尽管如此,他其他地方都不错。他还讲西安的方言给她听。

她深吸了一口气。她心跳得更快了,可她真不希望这样。

20:43

沉默。

她喝了一口鸡尾酒。

他看着远处,琢磨着那个嘈杂的都会,那么远,又那么近。

告诉她。

现在告诉她真相。

告诉她stop,你有女朋友。

20:51

她:“最喜欢的冰淇淋?”

他:“哈根达斯…”

她(耸了耸肩):“呸…”

他:“您说什么更好?”

她:“Ben and Jerry’s”

他:“我认识一个您会喜欢的餐馆。那里有 西安的特色。”

她:“您在向我推销吗?”

他:“完全不是,这还是一家我喜欢的餐馆。”他开始列举自己喜欢的菜。

她:“求您别说了,我都快馋了。”

他:“我会告诉您地址的。”

我会带您去的。

21:12

这可能是个好人,但不是好时候。

21:25

她:“最近给您留下深刻印象的是什么,关于北京?”

他:“那天暴雨在北京见到海。您呢?”

她:“这儿,今夜,此时此刻与您在一起。”

他(高兴但没有被蒙骗):“真的吗…”

21:30

很长一段时间,他们默默地听着驻场歌手抑扬顿挫的演绎。她的嗓音随着音符时而任性,时而嘶哑。歌曲诉说着萌动的爱情和由幻灭,忧伤,死亡留下的痕迹。

21:45

“到此为止吧”,他告诫自己,他还没有天真到相信一见钟情。

这是一个危险的女人。她富有生活的才能,她眼睛里有曾经让他非常难过的一种真挚。

随后他想起他的朋友对他说的话。为什么不“和她上床呢?”这并不犯法,但他把这个念头从头脑里赶走了。

因为他还没有做好准备。当然过去的几个小时让他感觉轻松,惬意,充满活力。这会是一个来去匆匆的幻象。

21:58

此刻,他在尽最大努力掩饰自己的激情。

他喝完了他的Tequila,她咽下了最后一口Margarita

她最后一次看着他和他身后的万家灯火。她感觉在演出一场浪漫喜剧,这些喜剧通常都有幸福的结局。可是她知道这好景不长。

22:00

现在是重新脚踏实地,走出萍水相逢的幻象的时候了。

他看着她:“其实…其实我有女朋友了。”

她惋惜地看着他,松开他的手。“那么再见啦,带我向您那一位问好。”

“等一等…我觉得这样分手不好,如果你愿意遵守不打听关于我女朋友的任何事…”

两个人谁也不相信命运,他们只相信偶然性。偶然性空前绝后地在此刻帮了他们做出体面的选择。

无论如何,幸福不是这个样子的。

可这幸福又如此短暂。

22:12

“我很抱歉,今天这个夜晚以这种糟糕的方式结束。”

但是,没什么关系。因为她储存了这些偷来时刻的影像,并将在想起他的时候放映,就像人们永不厌倦的一部老电影。

因为,有时候几小时的幸福足以让我们忍受生活必然带来的幻灭和丑陋。

To My Melancholy Lover

After the goodbye: (Updated on May 7, 2011)

“Han is typing,” Google chat box told me, helpfully.

Somehow it liked a strategy game, a game of intimacy and distance, of ideal life and reality, of things we’ve experienced and the make believes. “Don’t you dare get hurt by this,” I muttered to myself. I knew too well the danger and helplessness of falling for someone more sophisticated and secular. They’d say they loved you, but they were always after something. I knew that from the start.

I just typed “Goodnight” to Han. Goodnight, goodbye and good luck.

Here I go again, making another resolution and trying to regain my confidence one more time.

——————————————————————————————————————-

Everyone who is interesting has a past.

The Glass Castle

You raised your head so I could look into your eyes and kiss you…

Continue reading “To My Melancholy Lover”

2010与2011之间

纯粹,不牵扯爱情,像是特别投机的路人的温暖 — 在这个冷冰冰,时刻有灾难降临,需要不停息地去填满孤独感的世界里,在茫茫人海中,随便两个人,都有可能相聚在同一屋檐下。

他的常常为所欲为让我困惑。

他问我有没有遇到过某个人,然后觉得“和她就这样过一辈子就很美,”我说没有。他没有再说下去,我们都沉默。好像这是全世界最伤心的事。

有的时候,一些人会遇见另一些人,相聚的契机或者并不高尚,大家也是毫无共同点的两种人,却会擦出无比闪亮的火花。这种遇见,往往不会一生一世,但在那一霎那,也绚烂美丽。就像这样,我同一个自己都不能理解的灵魂擦肩而过。

后来,当他说“她们都想见到我,那你呢?你想见到我吗,Daniel?”的时候,也许我明明很想,却不想当他面承认而没有说话。

也许我已经明白他和我是不同方向的,各自有得有失的命运。

Dan, please dream on.

后记:

上个星期六晚上,我的iPod里突然响起了Radiohead的歌,很好听。我从不知道自己有Radiohead的歌,于是我想到他,也许是他推荐给我的,或是他随便说过,我便留心记下来的。听着Radiohead我便想到要把和他的故事记下来,于是有了这一篇。

Forever and a Day

I felt sad about my love for him, for he hasn’t loved me in the way he should have loved, the love with care and intangible friction, as my love for him. I failed at the beginning of this affair, it seemed like I was destined to be, enchanted by him, like him casting of a spell of black magic on me.

On the first sight, I noticed that I desired him.

He’d tell me how he was suffocated by losing his dearest girl. They were 19 going on 20 then, college freshmen, still kids themselves, but they were so much in love. They had those youthful years and furious seasons that filled with riotous love and dream. That wonderful life they had led for almost 3 years. He said that they had done all the things that a couple would do – so many evidences of love that finally tore them apart.

‘Dreams, are things that you wake up from.’ He said, as he buried his face deeply against my back.

I’d close my eyes and once more think of his skin: smooth, pure with the scent of tobacco.

The wild love I felt for him remained an unfathomable mystery to me. I don’t know why I loved him so much as to forget anything that could part us except death. I was 19, and death was hardly ever thought about at one’s age of 19. The love seemed forever and immortal.

The past summer, time was not enough, it never does.

For once we’d decided not to see each other anymore. It wasn’t possible, and indeed. It was turned out to be impossible.

We abandoned that idea.

Once the date of my departure was fixed, distance thought it still was, we could do nothing to each other anymore. He later, also realized that he could not do anything to the girl that was about to go away. It happened to him suddenly, with the realizing of the due date of their frolicking. Afterwards, for a long time, the exhaust feeling of the departure was like a smell, misted between them everywhere they went.

During the trip to Shanghai, I began reading the novel Crying out love, at the center of the world, and weeping at times page after page. In the book, after his girl died, the guy has kept her ashes in a bottle and took it along with him for years. I’ve already missed out on love like that, I thought to myself.

I remember the moment we had conversations about freedom and marriage. He gazed at my tattoo for a while, and his arms holding me had a tendency to tighten around me. He was something desirable and rare that I had fought for and made my own–but never again an intangible whisper in the dusk, or on the breeze of night.

Well, let it pass, I thought to myself; the summer of 2010 is over, my summer break is over. There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice.

We’re neither of us the same. We’re moving on, the story continues, but we’re no longer the main characters.

Original draft on August 23, 2010

只如初见

该走了。

再走一次。

是不是在每扇让我暂且安身的门背后,我都该放一个永远装好生活必需品的行李箱呢?

我不愿再想下去了。

当我们还是孩子的时候,老师会布置这样的作业,让我们写“我今天做了什么”。

现如今我更想列一张单子:我今天没做什么,我这一生还没做什么。

我知道爱情是一件要在黑暗里摸索的差事,因此在摸索中,你肯定会弄脏你的手。然而我们咽下爱情的痛苦要花多久呢?一定比享受爱情的欢乐还要久。可是如果停止去摸索,就不可能有好玩的事发生。

也许我和z之间就是这么回事。有一天,有一个男人从你身边走过,你觉得你需要他。那一幕在我的脑海里重演过不下二十次。我和他会不断地重复那个场面,带着几分欣喜,几分困惑。我至今还记得他那时眯起眼睛笑我分不清美元和韩元的汇率。我们开始不停地聊天,随后波动产生了,剧烈的波动。他改变了我的一切。这可真奇怪,在他之前我也曾遇到过别的男人,何况我对他一无所知,他对我来说简直来自于另一个世界。有的时候我会希望生活中少一些这样的偶然性,因为我需要确信自己在干什么。

牵手旅行。

我问z,“你是当真的吗?” 其实我并不想听他回答说“是”。他听上去很吃惊,他提醒我说,早在我开始同他讲话的时候,他就已经对我深信不疑,他还对我说:“你可以和我在一起做任何你想做的事,我听凭你的差遣。”

我希望有一天,我也可以对z这样说。

然后,再加一句:“别以为我不爱你,因为我是爱你的。”

我是爱他的。